Easy to Love

Luckily I’m a better mother (at least I like to think so) than I am a blogger.  Many apologies for the long delay between posts.  Between third trimester exhaustion and a very fast-paced new job (not to mention a likewise fast-paced two year old, trying to sell my house, and various other obligations) I’ve just fallen short of the blogger mark.  Besides, the “lympics” have been on (as Pumpkin reminds me every day when she asks to watch the “lympic ballgames”).

To catch you up, Pumpkin is still growing like a weed…er, a pumpkin (to stick with my own metaphor).  She is now able to use her princess potty (when she wants to that is) and she sleeps at night in her big girl bed (also princess themed).  We are going through quite the princess phase.  Everything she asks for is prefaced with the adjective “princess.”  For instance, my parents are on vacation and she has asked them to bring her either a “princess boat” or a “princess box” as a souvenir.  Your guess is as good as mine on the latter.

Anyway, it seems like almost daily that I find myself looking at her in utter disbelief at how much she is growing.  Despite the fact she occasionally asks me to hold her like a baby (i.e., all 3’1” of her in a cradle in my arms – picture this with my 30 week pregnant belly and already comedic sense of balance and grace and you’re sure to get a good laugh); the truth is that she really isn’t a baby anymore.  In fact, on Monday she is moving up to the 2-year old class at school.  I’m dreading the transition, but stay tuned for a blog next week that I anticipate will be devoted solely to that topic.

I am convinced that a  lot of her wanting to be carried like a baby and her new (as of this week) insistence on a diaper instead of her princess pull ups is her realization, however unrefined, that Baby Maggie is soon-to-be a real part of her life and not just “in mama’s belly.”  I used to think all of that mumbo-jumbo about kids sensing things of that sort was just voodoo baloney, but Pumpkin has me convinced otherwise.

Sweet Mags is becoming real to all of us.  I have to admit, her cute little flutters in my abdomen have morphed into painful sucker punches.  It’s funny to say, but there have been times (lots) throughout this pregnancy where I actually forgot I was pregnant.  Not in a “someone pulled me down from dancing on the bar with shots of tequila” sort of way or anything, but I definitely didn’t obsess about every minute of this pregnancy like I did when I was pregnant with Pumpkin.  In fact, at this very moment, even though I’m single digit weeks away from giving birth, I haven’t even purchased nursery bedding yet.  I know, the horror (I’m sure Pumpkin’s room was completely appointed the weekend after we determined her gender).  Whatever, sure some will judge me as a bad mother, but I think it’s something deeper and sweeter than that.  I think I’m learning what loving a second child is all about.

See, when we first found out we were expecting this go around, one of my first thoughts was that I couldn’t possibly love another child as much I loved Pumpkin.  I will be the first to admit that I love her with a fierce, overbearing, jealous, protective, almost-obsessive love.  I have spent thousands of dollars and hours literally consumed with finding out why she had a cough or a bug bite.  I have tip toed to her door in the wee hours of the night to make sure she was breathing (and I’m talking about in the last month; not when she was a newborn).  I have been overcome with worry about every hair on her head.  And all of this started before she was even born.  Every minute of every day of the 263 days I was pregnant were focused on her growth, development, well-being, and future.

This baby has been different.  For one, I didn’t have the time to worry.  But, again, it was something more than that.  My love for this child is different already.  Don’t get me wrong, it is still all-consuming.  Now that she has become more “real” to me, I do honestly love her with every fiber of my being.  It’s funny, because I started out this journey into second-child-dom thinking about my loving being “divided” when, in fact, it is multiplied.  It is incredible the joy I already feel thinking of holding my new sweet baby and introducing her to her darling big sister. 

I think I’ve figured out the difference between the fierce love I feel for Pumpkin and my more relaxed love for Mags is a lack of fear.  With Pumpkin, I felt completely unworthy to accept the blessing and gift of being her mother.  I felt ill-equipped and undeserving.  Her presence in my life has tested and grown my own faith and my own understanding of God’s love for me and all his children.  I have learned that I am worthy…even when I am not.

I am in on this wonderful secret now.  I know that I can do it.  I know that God is blessing me because he loves me, and not testing me to see me fail.  I know I cannot fail.  I know that even if I don’t have sheets on her crib yet, when they lay her little head on my chest for the first time, we will be bonded in a way that can never be broken.  I know that I will love her unconditionally with all of my heart for all of my life.  I know how to change a diaper, fasten a car seat, and bathe a screaming baby.  I also know that when I don’t know something or feel I can’t go on, God will be there with all of us to make sure we do and that we do so in his love and image.

I never understood it when my own parents would refuse to tell us who they loved more and would just say they said they loved us the same (I always assumed they just didn’t want to hurt Jess’ feelings, ha).  Now I realize I never could have understood that until I had two of my own.  It truly is possible to love two children, both separately with all of your heart.  It’s a love that is overwhelming.  It is the same love that God feels for each of us.  By that I am humbled. God is so good.