Losing control is not always as easy to spot as one might think. If you're still and quiet enough - present enough - you will notice the frenetic beat of your heart, but the chaos is not always as obvious as one might think chaos should be. I recently found myself in the middle of that sneaky dark chaos. I actually found our entire little family there and we didn't even realize where we were. It started innocently enough. I had surgery. It was a success (thank God) but I'm still recovering. Mama-try-to-do-everything became Mama-can't-do-anything. I had tons of wonderful help, including Hubby, but it wasn't the same. There was nothing concrete - the girls were fed, bathed, played with, loved. I thought they were fine. But it wasn't the same. Then school started and with school, football. Hubby had obligations outside the home. I encouraged him to do it despite his better judgment (he considered taking the year off while I recovered). I still had the mind