So, this is it - the week we go from family of three to a family of four and I go from a mother of 1 to a mother of 2. As I was walking out the door today, scratching some unidentified pink crust off my sweater with my fingernail and remembering my polished and together former self, I began to wonder whether it was even humanly possible to become MORE of a mom than I am now.
Now, obviously I realize I can be a mom to MORE (and will be in three days), but can I really be more of a mom? Aside from the pink crust, I am also sporting a highly visible Hello Kitty bandaid on the top of my foot (because it was the only bandaid I could find this morning) and humming the tune to "Building a Birdie House" from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. On top of that, just last week I walked into my office and referred to myself - out loud - in the third person as MAMA (as in, "mama needs to call the court and check on that.") Very professional, I know...intimidating even. It's because, as a MAMA I am constantly narrating my life for Pumpkin; apparently to the point it is making me borderline schizophrenic. And I can't even count the number of times I walk through any given room in our house to find a fallen cheerio/raisin/Cheeto (you name it) and, out of sheer exhaustion, I just pop it in my mouth rather than walk the five steps to the nearest garbage can.
All of that is to say, as I have said before, I am some half-witted version of my former self. I used to remember everything and (at least in my own mind) have it all together. Now I often forget the simplest thing (from "why did I walk into this room" to "how do I get to the interstate in the town I have lived in for the majority of my life" - literally). I have decided this is because my brain is entirely consumed by thoughts of Pumpkin - when did she last eat; has she taken her vitamins; is she getting a cold; does she have allergies; is she spoiled; is she happy; is she progressing at the rate she should; what will she be when she grows up; and on and on and on to the point of madness. I can tell you to the minute when the last time she ate was, but I have torn the house apart trying to find our camera and camcorder this weekend to no avail.
This leads me to question whether I have the brainpower for another child. Unlike when I was pregnant with Pumpkin, I'm not worried about whether I'll be able to maintain her basic life functions (you know, the feeding, burping, changing, bathing part of it). I'm worried about whether I will be able to maintain my OWN basic life functions while filling my brain with thoughts of two children. I'm not sure I have any more space left and, if I do, I worry about what I will be throwing out. So, if you see me wandering aimlessly and pantsless down the side of the road, don't judge (but feel free to throw out a pair of shorts).
On a serious note, we are so excited and simultaneously terrified thinking about the way our life is about to change. I know millions of folks do it every day - lots with many more than just two children - but that still doesn't assure me that WE can do it.
Honestly, my biggest concern this time around is Pumpkin - despite the nightly readings of her "big sister" book and her helping me with every aspect of getting "ready for baby Maggie", she really has no clue how her little world is about to be rocked. I worry her heart will be broken to see mommy loving on another baby and, while I know in a few years they will (hopefully) be the best of friends, the thought that I am about to do something to hurt Pumpkin kills me inside. If nothing else, hopefully the "birthday party" I'm throwing Maggie at the hospital will make it less traumatic (yes, while I know that my hospital bag is packed with party decorations and plates and gifts for the big sister, I am not 100% certain I have a toothbrush).
So send us prayers, wish us luck, and stay tuned to our newly titled blog (since I'm not longer raising a single pumpkin, I thought I should change the name of this one).
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