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Who am I?

No, really, who am I?

I am not asking in an existential, finding myself while growing dreadlocks and sipping chai tea sort of way.  I’m asking in an I looked in the mirror and no longer recognize the tired-yet-wild-eyed mama staring back at me.  And while I don’t recognize her, I also have no idea who used to look back at me.

For example, when I was what I remember as bright eyed and bushy tailed, what in the world did I do with myself between the hours of 6 PM and 10 PM?  You childless friends – what do you do after work?  I seriously cannot recall.  I know I said it before when there was just one, but I had no idea that with two it was literally like a three-ring circus once the door opens after work. 

It started with just getting ourselves out of the car – two kids, purses, briefcase, toys, bottles, and myself is no easy feat in heels.  Daddy met us at the door for the big girl hand-off after which he promptly started cooking/feeding while hearing all about her day and while I re-diapered Little and washed bottles.  As if some silly-Olympic gong had sounded, we again swapped with daddy taking Little for some cooing while I let Big help me pick out clothes for everyone to wear tomorrow.  As if on cue, once again it was SWAP and I bathed Little while daddy played with Big and started getting her undressed for her own bath.  As I’m putting Little in jammies, Daddy bathes Big.  It’s then time to start re-packing all our various bags for the next day, while squeezing in quality time with the girls and reading bed time stories and saying prayers, not to mention actually showering myself.  By the time they were both asleep I was utterly exhausted and wanted nothing more than just to sit – if Hubby hadn’t picked up dinner I wouldn’t have even bothered to eat.  I guess this can be my “insanity” weight loss plan.

My standards for myself have fallen greatly.  At this point in my life, I feel pretty good about myself if at least half of my household takes a bath before bed.  What happened to taking on the world, busting down the glass ceiling, and looking good doing it?  The first night of back-to-work and I was so self-satisfied at what we accomplished in the two hours between 6 and 8 PM and it was little more than the basic functions of human life.  What has happened to the self-proclaimed superwoman?  Here I am with two tiny little ones who are generally pretty easy going.  They don’t have homework or extra-curricular activities yet.  How do you people with older kids do it?  Especially you people with MORE than two of them?  I’m flummoxed and tired just thinking about it.

The mornings are no different.  When I saw a 5 as the first number on the clock I knew it wasn’t even worth it to try to go back to sleep, so I started Day 2.  It’s so hard to put my feet on the floor in the morning because once they hit that cold wood, it’s all engines go.  I’m brushing my teeth while Daddy is waking Big and trying NOT to wake Little.  Then Daddy showers while I dress Big.  I get ready while Daddy finishes the details of Big and starts on Little.  I feed Little while Daddy helps Big gather her things to take to the sitter.  Daddy coats one while I coat the other.  The car is packed, the kids are strapped, and its off the races again.  Talk about the amazing race.

The really amusing part of all of this is that when Hubby and I had a date night last week, complete with dressing up and fancy dinner, all we talked about the entire time were our two precious girls.  These mundane things like something funny Big said or something cute Little did.  And its not just because he's Daddy, I actually feel bad when I hang out with my non-kid friends because I have nothing else interesting to talk about other than my adorable children.  What in the world did we talk about before?

So, I may need to rephrase my original question.  I don’t need to know who I am.  Maybe I can’t remember who I WAS, but I know who I am and nothing else matters.  I’m mommy to the two most amazing gals in the whole world, followed by wife to my dear Hubby, daughter to my incredible parents, sister to my awesome brothers and sisters (both the one I was lucky enough to be raised with and the ones who came along later from other mothers :) ), and occasionally, like right now, lawyer for a little while to rest up for the crazy beautiful chaos I have waiting for me this evening.

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