Perhaps the biggest mystery of parenting is how life can be spinning so rapidly and out of control that you feel like screaming while time simultaneously drags on second by second as if each minute is an eternity.
As you can probably already tell, this season of life has been trying for me. Nothing is going on of any importance to cause the "trying", it's just life. We are busy. Wee ball, swim, dance, Pumpkin turning 4, new puppy, work and trials and deadlines and expectations. Oh my.
The funny thing I have realized about stress is that it is self-perpetuating. It brings out the ugly in you. You get upset about the ugly; red hot angry upset. That turns to stress. More stress. It's maddening.
All of this is particularly true when you have a 4 year old who is just like you. She feels my stress. She reacts to my stress. She pushes back against my stress and then I meltdown. Then she melts down. Then I feel awful, embarassed, angry and...stressed. It isn't fair to anyone, but especially not to her.
Sometimes even mamas get in a funk they don't know how to get out of. I'm sort of there right now. I know I will get out. I just can't give anyone a date or time. And I feel almost toxic, contagious - I feel like they should all stay away from me until I can treat them the way they deserve to be treated. But then the thought of them being gone brings tears to my eyes.
And of course, there's nobody to blame. I am the one that overschedules us. Then I'm stressed because we just don't have time for everything that needs to get done. I lay awake, wide eyed, thinking about the next day's endless list. I hover over Pumpkin barking at her to hurry, hurry hurry. How dare I try to rush her. One day that little chair where she refuses to eat because she has so many stories to tell will be empty. There will be no stories. There will be no pink princess plates of uneaten everything. There will be plenty of empty time.
After a long day of me raring my ugly mama monster head, I even rushed through her bedtime stories. I told her we had to pick short ones. She wanted to practice reading but it was almost 9 and I snapped at her instead. I read the book with no emotion and flipped off the lights.
Then I heard it. In the darkness, with the nightlight stars reflecting on her face- "Mama? Will you lay with me for just one minute?"
My entire body melted in a heap of unworthiness on her bed. She couldn't see my tears, despite the glittering stars. She had forgiven me for the monster I had been just seconds before without my even asking. She still loved me and still wanted me to lay with her. I didn't deserve it. I could never deserve it.
It's in that moment that I finally, after all these years, understood Mercy and Grace. It is God's Mercy that gives us each new morning, each second (and third and fourth and hundreth) chance. It is His Mercy that was in her sweet voice asking me to unburden myself and just lay beside her as she drifted off to sleep. It is His Mercy in Bug's ear-to-ear smile every morning when she sees me for the first time. They keep no record of wrongs.
And Grace. Oh Grace. Grace is that I am unworthy. I do not deserve their forgiveness, or Love, or His death on the cross. I do not deserve any of it. I do not deserve these two beautiful little girls that have blessed our lives. I do not deserve the patience that Hubby continues to demonstrate. I do not deserve any of them. Luckily for me, because of His Grace, I am not given what I deserve. I am not judged according to my worth. I am judged according to His Grace. This little family of mine embodies Grace. I am blessed by His Grace. Oh that I could just be gracious and grateful.
This Mother's Day I hope that each of my mama friends feels the love that I feel, even in my unlovable state. I pray that each of you realizes the Mercy and Grace that each one of us receives (and needs) each day. I wish you a day of nothing but lots of love and joy with your people and a heart that is full.
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