Losing control is not always as easy to spot as one might think. If you're still and quiet enough - present enough - you will notice the frenetic beat of your heart, but the chaos is not always as obvious as one might think chaos should be.
I recently found myself in the middle of that sneaky dark chaos. I actually found our entire little family there and we didn't even realize where we were.
It started innocently enough. I had surgery. It was a success (thank God) but I'm still recovering. Mama-try-to-do-everything became Mama-can't-do-anything. I had tons of wonderful help, including Hubby, but it wasn't the same. There was nothing concrete - the girls were fed, bathed, played with, loved. I thought they were fine. But it wasn't the same.
Then school started and with school, football. Hubby had obligations outside the home. I encouraged him to do it despite his better judgment (he considered taking the year off while I recovered). I still had the mindset of Mama-try-to-do-everything.
School also brought a new class for Pumpkin. This year has been hard for her. I didn't realize how hard until the chaos almost won. I knew there was a "mean girl" in her class. I heard inklings of mean things the girl told Pumpkin (like which snack Pumpkin was allowed to bring from home). In response to Pum asking whether she had to be the mean girl's friend, I blithely responded "you don't have to be her friend, but you do have to be nice to her."
A few weeks of this and me trying to get back into the swing of work and other obligations, ending the day tired and vegging out in front of the television or Facebook and suddenly, when I stopped long enough to feel, I felt us falling. Down. Apart. It ended with Hubby walking in from a football game to me and Pumpkin both sitting on the couch crying. She was acting out and I thought I'd lost my sweet baby forever.
Then something inside me whispered. Whispered beneath the thick black chaos. Whispered that we needed to unplug. We needed to plug back in to each other and what was important. Instead of yelling, instead of nodding incoherently from behind a screen (or physically wrestling my phone away from Bug who shamefully may be more "plugged in" than anyone in our house), I listened to her. I let her tell me she missed me being able to play and pick her up; she missed daddy being home with us; she was tired of people having to help; she was also sad at school because of the mean girl.
Hubby and I vowed that night to take our family back from the muck. We made a parent-teacher conference. We promised that phones were down when we were home and we actually went an entire Saturday without watching one television show. We made time to just be together. To play outside. To be silly. To dance. To laugh. And, most importantly, to talk.
We aren't safe from the chaos. None of us are. It's scary how easy it was to fall into it. How another day or more may have been too late. It's so easy to listen, but it's even easier not to. I love these people too much not to fight and I love them too much not to win that war. I am grateful for them and will take affirmative action every day to keep us out of the darkness. With God's ever-renewing mercy and grace, I know we (He) will win.
With that daily dose of heaviness, I'm asking all you who want to stay plugged in to Sugar and Spice to follow my blog directly - after today I am deactivating Facebook. For me, right now, it has become nothing but an easy way for me to zone out of my life - and my life and my loves are too precious for that.
I recently found myself in the middle of that sneaky dark chaos. I actually found our entire little family there and we didn't even realize where we were.
It started innocently enough. I had surgery. It was a success (thank God) but I'm still recovering. Mama-try-to-do-everything became Mama-can't-do-anything. I had tons of wonderful help, including Hubby, but it wasn't the same. There was nothing concrete - the girls were fed, bathed, played with, loved. I thought they were fine. But it wasn't the same.
Then school started and with school, football. Hubby had obligations outside the home. I encouraged him to do it despite his better judgment (he considered taking the year off while I recovered). I still had the mindset of Mama-try-to-do-everything.
School also brought a new class for Pumpkin. This year has been hard for her. I didn't realize how hard until the chaos almost won. I knew there was a "mean girl" in her class. I heard inklings of mean things the girl told Pumpkin (like which snack Pumpkin was allowed to bring from home). In response to Pum asking whether she had to be the mean girl's friend, I blithely responded "you don't have to be her friend, but you do have to be nice to her."
A few weeks of this and me trying to get back into the swing of work and other obligations, ending the day tired and vegging out in front of the television or Facebook and suddenly, when I stopped long enough to feel, I felt us falling. Down. Apart. It ended with Hubby walking in from a football game to me and Pumpkin both sitting on the couch crying. She was acting out and I thought I'd lost my sweet baby forever.
Then something inside me whispered. Whispered beneath the thick black chaos. Whispered that we needed to unplug. We needed to plug back in to each other and what was important. Instead of yelling, instead of nodding incoherently from behind a screen (or physically wrestling my phone away from Bug who shamefully may be more "plugged in" than anyone in our house), I listened to her. I let her tell me she missed me being able to play and pick her up; she missed daddy being home with us; she was tired of people having to help; she was also sad at school because of the mean girl.
Hubby and I vowed that night to take our family back from the muck. We made a parent-teacher conference. We promised that phones were down when we were home and we actually went an entire Saturday without watching one television show. We made time to just be together. To play outside. To be silly. To dance. To laugh. And, most importantly, to talk.
We aren't safe from the chaos. None of us are. It's scary how easy it was to fall into it. How another day or more may have been too late. It's so easy to listen, but it's even easier not to. I love these people too much not to fight and I love them too much not to win that war. I am grateful for them and will take affirmative action every day to keep us out of the darkness. With God's ever-renewing mercy and grace, I know we (He) will win.
With that daily dose of heaviness, I'm asking all you who want to stay plugged in to Sugar and Spice to follow my blog directly - after today I am deactivating Facebook. For me, right now, it has become nothing but an easy way for me to zone out of my life - and my life and my loves are too precious for that.
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