On New Year’s Day I posted a Facebook status declaring that my resolution for 2012 was to be the woman my daughter thinks I am. Now, I’m not really a “resolution” person, per se, but I do appreciate the time to step back and assess where I’ve been and where I’m going and to make positive changes. While, obviously this can be done ANYTIME, the beginning of a new year provides a good opportunity for such introspection.
This New Year presented a particularly poignant time for this reflection, in the wake of the mourning of our cousin. At his funeral this morning someone referred to his death as untimely. While I certainly agree that it was unexpected and tragic for those of us who mourn him (and most importantly for his three sweet children), the fact is that death is never truly untimely. Our Lord has a plan we cannot ever understand. The seeming untimely nature of a young parent’s death is only on our earthly part, but it is one of those events that reminds us that it could be any of us, at any time. While that seems cliché, there is nothing more true. Any hug could be the last, any goodbye final.
So during the past two weeks, I have done some self-assessment. I made my sort-of resolution that I thought summed up how I wanted to live my life going forward. I wanted to be that woman that Pumpkin sees when she look up at me. That woman who is an incredibly talented artist, singer, and chef; a learned reader of books; a tamer of animals; wise beyond her years with an impeccable style; a beautiful and calming smile; a hug that cures all ills; and, of course, a side-splitting sense of humor.
I mean, let’s be honest – the kid pretty much worships the ground I walk on. Now, I realize that this is all likely to come to a screeching, door-slamming, “I hate you mom and you ruined my life” halt in a few years, but I am savoring my moments of doing-no-wrong in her little eyes as long as I can. I watch her as she slings her purse over her shoulder, pretends to “drive” the car (complete with radio-dial-changing), prances around the living room in a new outfit (not that I do that, of course), and cuts “those eyes” at some un-suspecting soul. I cannot deny that the child is doing everything in her little power to emulate the mommy she loves so dear.
So, in a way, I meant what I said – I do want to be that woman she looks up to. I want to be worthy of her love and adoration. I never want to let her down. I never want her to think I’ve ruined her life (though I know at some point she will but I also know she will be wrong and will admit it to me years later).
But in as many ways as I want to be the woman she adores, I want to be the little Pumpkin that I adore. Spending extra time with her over the past few holiday weeks while she was out of school and I was off of work revealed to me just what a wonderful little person God has blessed me with. To watch her absolute wonder and amazement every time she opened a gift no matter how big or small (and in fact, particularly the small gifts, since the $2 coloring book was by far her favorite gift); to see her face light up with the Christmas lights every single night we turned them on; to know that no matter how engrossed she was in whatever book or toy she had, if I turned on a Christmas song she would come to me with open arms and ask to “dentz;” all of these little things reminded me of what I take for granted in life.
Pumpkin is never too hurried for a hug, never too stressed to slow down and sit on my lap for a few minutes, and never too busy for the people and pets and things that she loves. At the same time, she is honest with her feelings – if she doesn’t want to ride the brand new riding horse or play with the light-up turtle she got for Christmas, she lets us know. “No horsey.” She hasn’t learned that she is “supposed to” fake it for "others". How much happier would we all be if we were just honest with ourselves, with each other, and slowed down like Pumpkin to enjoy the really, really important things; innocently trusting that someone would take care of all the rest. Pumpkin has faith in her mama, who has faith for both of us in God to do just that.
That is not to say I’m going to skip work and color in the Mickey coloring book all day tomorrow, but I will take Pumpkin’s example as a reminder that worry does nothing to unburden tomorrow…all it does is strip TODAY of its joy. And what joy we have – that little face, that funny smile, and those dancing eyes bring us such joy each day I resolve this year not to take any of that for granted.
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