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Don't Cry For Me

I posted an article on Facebook yesterday about the first Kindergarten drop-off. “How did we get here?” the author asked. It’s the same question I’m asking myself, so the thought is not unique. I'm certain I was not the only mom walking out of the building today with her tongue pressed hard against the top of her mouth trying to stop tears, barely able to eek out a have a great day as I left my part-baby part-big girl to start her education. So, while the question is hardly unique, this blog post is my answer. It’s my “baby book” letter to Pumpkin about her first day of Kindergarten.

How did we get here? How did I get to this beautiful little pink-clad angel, nervously clutching my hand, proudly strapped into her monogrammed owl backpack holding her already completed first homework assignment that she cannot wait to turn in? How, in 5 short years, did I get to this creature who is simultaneously and always my needy baby and already my moody, temperamental all-girl child? The morning was abuzz with questions I couldn't answer about the adventure she was about to embark on.

So how did we get here? Many of you know this already, but Pumpkin is our miracle baby. She is our third. She was the baby that if I lost I couldn’t survive. She is the first baby that ever got to call me mommy and the one that taught me what it truly means to be a mommy; what it means to love unconditionally; and the one that made sense of a life that can easily seem senseless.

In all the hustle and bustle of life with our two girls sometimes that miracle gets lost – the miracle of both of them does. The fact that they are each miracles that we get to experience for just a short time is sometimes overshadowed by the momentary exhaustion or frustration of something fleeting. But on days like today, where time stood still in that classroom doorway and I saw five years fly by in a blink, I realize that there are a finite number of days left where I can kiss away boo-boos or explain away monsters under the bed. Soon the boo-boos will hurt too bad for a kiss to heal. Soon the monsters will be too real for me to scare away. Soon mommy won’t be able to fix everything (though she will never stop trying).

So now that we are here, where do we go…and, more importantly, how? How do I let go of that little hand in a world where even movie theaters aren’t safe? How do I turn my back on those nervous-tear-brimmed eyes knowing that any time could be the last time I see them? Knowing, if nothing else, one day they will be far away and all grown up? How do any of us do it?

There is only one answer – faith. Without it, the world is too hard, too cruel, and makes too little sense. I believe because I must. I believe because it is not just the only explanation for how we got here, but how we go on from here. It is the only explanation for the miracle of this little Kindergartener and I pray that God continue to keep her this school year and always.



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