Sometimes being a working mom is the pits.
I’m not talking about the early morning meetings on less than a few hours of sleep or the late night ones which prevent me from bedtime prayers and tucking in. I’m not talking about working with a baby on one hip and a phone on one shoulder, or with spit up on my documents or, better yet, my blouse. I’m not even talking about the pangs of guilt I feel every time she comes down with something “she caught at daycare.” It’s something much deeper than that. Something that I know I have to fight to overcome. It’s the overwhelming sadness of not being there to witness every discovery, kiss every boo-boo, and rock her every time the world is not perfect. It’s the feeling of having to say goodbye, even if just for a short time.
I guess that feeling isn’t unique to working moms. I think it’s something every mom feels at one time or another. Working moms just get it earlier…and maybe more frequently. Even those moms who are home right now with their respective pumpkins will one day have to send them off to school, or work, or marriage, or something (granted, there are a few Norman Bates out there that will never, ever leave but save for those). Working moms just have to do it sooner and that certainly doesn’t make it easier (at least not in my long 15 months of motherhood).
I had to do it at 8 weeks, then again when she promoted to a new class, and in the future I still have all those other goodbyes to look forward to. I am certain it won’t get easier for me no matter how many times we do it, but, at least for Pumpkin, those futures goodbyes will come with the understanding she lacks now – I will always be here. Goodbyes between mamas and their Pumpkins are only temporary. I get that now; she doesn’t. That is what makes it so hard, especially when she is hurting.
And, sure, I’ve given myself the working mom pep talk – I’m such a great example to Pumpkin of a strong, independent woman; girls can do anything they want, even in male-dominated America; one day she can watch me argue some important case to an appellate court; girls rule; yadda yadda yadda. But this week the pep talk fails. None of that matters. Three inch stilettos and a black suit do nothing to camouflage the mascara stains under my eyes from crying as I watch her on the webcam (not to mention there isn’t enough coffee in the world to rev my engine this morning). Girl power has nothing on the power of a mama’s love (or her broken heart) and sometimes, like today, I wish I could blow off the deadlines and stay in bed all day snuggling with my Pumpkin.
But alas, duty calls. I’ll just rest in the faith that God has her for now (and always) and mama will come runnin’ as quick as she can.
I’m not talking about the early morning meetings on less than a few hours of sleep or the late night ones which prevent me from bedtime prayers and tucking in. I’m not talking about working with a baby on one hip and a phone on one shoulder, or with spit up on my documents or, better yet, my blouse. I’m not even talking about the pangs of guilt I feel every time she comes down with something “she caught at daycare.” It’s something much deeper than that. Something that I know I have to fight to overcome. It’s the overwhelming sadness of not being there to witness every discovery, kiss every boo-boo, and rock her every time the world is not perfect. It’s the feeling of having to say goodbye, even if just for a short time.
I guess that feeling isn’t unique to working moms. I think it’s something every mom feels at one time or another. Working moms just get it earlier…and maybe more frequently. Even those moms who are home right now with their respective pumpkins will one day have to send them off to school, or work, or marriage, or something (granted, there are a few Norman Bates out there that will never, ever leave but save for those). Working moms just have to do it sooner and that certainly doesn’t make it easier (at least not in my long 15 months of motherhood).
I had to do it at 8 weeks, then again when she promoted to a new class, and in the future I still have all those other goodbyes to look forward to. I am certain it won’t get easier for me no matter how many times we do it, but, at least for Pumpkin, those futures goodbyes will come with the understanding she lacks now – I will always be here. Goodbyes between mamas and their Pumpkins are only temporary. I get that now; she doesn’t. That is what makes it so hard, especially when she is hurting.
And, sure, I’ve given myself the working mom pep talk – I’m such a great example to Pumpkin of a strong, independent woman; girls can do anything they want, even in male-dominated America; one day she can watch me argue some important case to an appellate court; girls rule; yadda yadda yadda. But this week the pep talk fails. None of that matters. Three inch stilettos and a black suit do nothing to camouflage the mascara stains under my eyes from crying as I watch her on the webcam (not to mention there isn’t enough coffee in the world to rev my engine this morning). Girl power has nothing on the power of a mama’s love (or her broken heart) and sometimes, like today, I wish I could blow off the deadlines and stay in bed all day snuggling with my Pumpkin.
But alas, duty calls. I’ll just rest in the faith that God has her for now (and always) and mama will come runnin’ as quick as she can.
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